It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
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Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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