i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
