That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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