you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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