Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize