I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
