I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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