So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
