She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
