I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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