If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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