ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
