I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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