FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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