its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
