dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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