I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
