Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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