Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
