Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
