I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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