the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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