In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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