True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
