and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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