There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
