Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
