I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
