chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
