Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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