I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you will always have a special place in my vag
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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