not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
