i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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