I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Randomize
