hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
