I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's Friday. Sex?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
