We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
