i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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