I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
