whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
