She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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