"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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