What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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