How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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