I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
