Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
