Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
