i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
