oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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