Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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