u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
