those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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