my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
