you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Slut skills are useful in every country.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
