so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
